


this means literally nothing like you could just as easily have spit in my eye or fuckin riverdanced

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 03:02:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22008916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave gets jealous.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 30
Kudos: 245





	this means literally nothing like you could just as easily have spit in my eye or fuckin riverdanced

KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: whoa  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!!  
DAVE: karkat what the fuck  
KARKAT: HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!!  
DAVE: ???  
KARKAT: FUCK I’M SORRY!  
KARKAT: I’M SO-  
KARKAT: HA!  
KARKAT: SORRY-  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
DAVE: i dont know what this is but dont apologize dude i love it!  
DAVE: let me in on the secret karkat  
DAVE: whats so amazingly funny  
DAVE: clue me the fuck in  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD-  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
KARKAT: NO IT’S-  
KARKAT: HAHA!  
KARKAT: IT’S NOTHING!  
KARKAT: I DON’T THINK YOU’D GET IT!  
DAVE: oh shit  
DAVE: is it some troll nonsense  
DAVE: i live for troll nonsense karkat lay it on me  
KARKAT: NO IT’S NOT THAT.  
KARKAT: IT’S-  
KARKAT: HEHEHAHA!  
KARKAT: IT’S SOMETHING THE MAYOR SAID A WHILE AGO THAT I-  
KARKAT: HAHAHA!  
KARKAT: JUST REMEMBERED.  
DAVE: sweet what was it?  
KARKAT: NO DON’T... DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: IT’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU-  
KARKAT: HA!  
KARKAT: YOU HAD TO BE THERE FOR.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: wait im confused  
DAVE: wasnt i...  
DAVE: wasnt i there  
KARKAT: NO, IT WAS THE JUST THE MAYOR AND ME-  
KARKAT: HAHA!   
KARKAT: OH SHIT SORRY.  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: I’M... I’M BETTER NOW I SWEAR!  
KARKAT: I’VE GOT IT UNDER-  
KARKAT: HEHEHE  
KARKAT: UNDER CONTROL.  
KARKAT: (HA!)  
DAVE: wait  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: where the fuck was i  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
DAVE: when the mayor unleashed this prime hilarity obviously what do you think  
DAVE: why wasnt i there  
DAVE: where the fuck *was* i  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, DAVE.  
KARKAT: YOU JUST WEREN’T THERE.  
KARKAT: IF ANYBODY KNOWS WHERE YOU WERE, IT SHOULD PROBABLY BE YOU, DON’T YOU THINK?  
DAVE: yeah but dude...  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: why didnt you tell me  
KARKAT: TELL YOU WHAT?  
DAVE: what the fuck do you mean what  
DAVE: that you were joking around with the mayor  
DAVE: you should have called me  
DAVE: i love jokes!  
KARKAT: YOU LOVE *JOKES?*  
DAVE: hell yes of course i love jokes karkat god damn  
KARKAT: DAVE, YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT YOU *LOVE JOKES.*  
DAVE: what why not  
KARKAT: BECAUSE *EVERYBODY* LOVES JOKES!  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T GET TO CLAIM THAT AS A THING THAT’S UNIQUE TO YOU!  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU THINK, SOMEONE’S GONNA STOP JUST SHY OF A PUNCHLINE AND SAY OH YOU KNOW WHAT, HOLD ON, DAVE ISN’T HERE! THAT GUY FUCKING *LOVES JOKES.* HE’S REALLY GOING TO APPRECIATE THIS MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE HERE. SOMEONE GO FUCKING GET DAVE.  
KARKAT: IT’S OK IF THE ROOM’S TOO CROWDED, WE’LL JUST SWAP HIM FOR SOMEBODY WHO DOESN’T LIKE JOKES. HE’S THE JOKE GUY, HE’S GOTTA BE HERE OR THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING’S GONNA BE A WASH!  
DAVE: dude what the fuck  
KARKAT: LIKING JOKES IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT, DAVE! THAT’S LIKE SAYING YOU LIKE MUSIC!  
DAVE: i DO like music!!  
KARKAT: WELL DAVE, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE HAVE I GOT SOME BAD FUCKING NEWS FOR YOU!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: karkat what the fuck is this  
DAVE: why are you being such an asshole  
KARKAT: IF BRINGING UP BASIC FACTS ABOUT YOU IS “BEING AN ASSHOLE,” DAVE, THEN LET’S GET TEREZI IN HERE FOR THE TRIAL AND SUMMARY EXECUTION. I WON'T EVEN GO THROUGH THE UTTERLY FUTILE MOTIONS OF TRYING TO DEFEND MYSELF, BECAUSE I’M FUCKING GUILTY.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: ...WAIT  
KARKAT: DAVE, ARE YOU ACTUALLY UPSET RIGHT NOW?  
DAVE: i think its pretty fucking obvious that i am  
KARKAT: BUT... WHY?  
DAVE: its just like i said  
DAVE: youre being a total dick to me right now  
DAVE: for basically no reason  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, “NO REASON?”  
KARKAT: WE DO THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  
KARKAT: THIS IS JUST HOW WE TALK, DAVE.  
KARKAT: LAST TIME I CHECKED I DIDN’T NEED A FUCKING REASON TO TALK TO YOU!  
DAVE: yeah we make fun of each other sure  
DAVE: but you are like seriously laying into me right now  
DAVE: immediately on the fucking heels of a pretty bullshit reveal  
KARKAT: WHAT? WHAT REVEAL?  
DAVE: that you fucking hang out with the mayor without me!  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT A “REVEAL,” DAVE!  
KARKAT: THAT’S NORMAL.  
KARKAT: OF COURSE I HANG OUT WITH THE MAYOR WITHOUT YOU!  
KARKAT: AND YOU HANG OUT WITH HIM WITHOUT ME!  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DON’T YOU?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: no  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: not really  
KARKAT: ...WHY?  
DAVE: man i dont fuckin know i usually just hang out with you  
DAVE: or the mayor and you  
DAVE: or um  
DAVE: by myself  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: WELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BY YOURSELF THAT’S SO GREAT YOU CAN’T HANG OUT WITH THE MAYOR?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK?  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN?  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T JUST, LIKE...  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T JUST WAIT FOR ME TO COME BACK, DO YOU?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE, IF YOU TELL ME YOU WAIT FOR ME TO COME BACK I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE *FUCK* I’M GOING TO DO.  
DAVE: no jesus fucking christ  
DAVE: i dont “wait for you to come back” karkat  
DAVE: god damn  
DAVE: im not like sitting around at your beck and call all the fucking time  
DAVE: i WAS gonna say that i work on my comics and my music  
DAVE: but i have just been informed those are apparently the two most basic ass pastimes in fucking existence and just like placeholders uninteresting idiots use for a real personality  
DAVE: so i thought it was in my own best interest to keep my fucking mouth shut  
DAVE: but here we fucking are anyway i guess  
DAVE: god DAMN  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY DAVE!  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T UM.  
KARKAT: I’M PRETTY SURE I DIDN’T MEAN *ANYTHING* I SAID THE WAY YOU’RE TAKING IT.  
DAVE: well too fucking bad for you huh  
KARKAT: FUCK, DAVE, WHAT *IS* THIS?  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU SO MISERABLE?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: I CAN TELL I SERIOUSLY PISSED YOU OFF, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW, AND IT’S REALLY FREAKING ME OUT!  
KARKAT: THIS IS SO WEIRD, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I MEAN YOU’RE ACTING LIKE...  
KARKAT: YOU’RE KIND OF ACTING LIKE ME!  
DAVE: oh yeah hows that workin out for you meeting yourself  
KARKAT: I’VE MET MYSELF LOTS OF FUCKING TIMES, ACTUALLY, AND IT’S ALWAYS SUCKED.  
KARKAT: BUT I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MYSELF.  
DAVE: ha  
KARKAT: BUT I *DO* GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU!  
DAVE: oh yeah?  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU, OF COURSE I DO!  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: DAVE, I’M GONNA BE HONEST HERE.  
KARKAT: I HAVE *NO IDEA* HOW TO HANDLE THIS.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE ALWAYS THE ONE WHO BRINGS ME OUT OF MY FUNKS.  
KARKAT: THIS IS UNCHARTED TERRITORY.  
DAVE: jesus karkat its not a “funk” ok  
DAVE: im just kind of pissed off  
DAVE: and its not on you to fix that  
DAVE: im not your charge  
DAVE: youre not responsible for me ok  
DAVE: i dont need to know where you are and who youre hanging out with at all times  
DAVE: and you dont have to cheer me up when im feeling like a prize asshole  
DAVE: this is a non issue ok so dont fucking worry about it  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: I’M INCREDIBLY FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT THIS!  
KARKAT: HOW DO FIX THIS?  
DAVE: haha goddamn karkat are you seriously asking me for cheer up tips right now  
KARKAT: UM.  
DAVE: sorry bro youre on your own here  
KARKAT: WHAT! NO!  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: LOOK I’M SORRY I SAID THOSE THINGS ABOUT YOUR PERSONALITY, OK?  
KARKAT: IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION I *REALLY* DIDN’T MEAN THEM TO ACTUALLY BE ABOUT YOU!  
KARKAT: I MEAN HOW STUPID WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE TO THINK THAT?  
DAVE: wow nice one karkat great start  
KARKAT: UGH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!  
KARKAT: YOU DON’T JUST “LIKE” JOKES AND MUSIC, YOU MOUTH-BREATHING IDIOT!  
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING MAKE THEM!  
KARKAT: YOU WORK SO FUCKING HARD ON YOUR COMICS AND YEAH, OK, I DON’T GET THEM. I THINK THEY’RE PRETTY STUPID.  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: FUCK, I DON’T MEAN THAT!  
KARKAT: OK, I ACTUALLY DO MEAN THAT.  
KARKAT: BUT!  
KARKAT: I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE  
KARKAT: **YOU**  
KARKAT: THAT YOUR COMICS ARE *SUPPOSED* TO BE STUPID!  
KARKAT: THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT, APPARENTLY!  
KARKAT: AND I CAN TELL THAT YOU PUT A TON OF THOUGHT AND EFFORT INTO MAKING THEM, UM... CONSISTENTLY STUPID?  
KARKAT: LIKE THERE’S A CONTINUITY TO HOW STUPID THEY ARE THAT BETRAYS A LOT OF HARD WORK AND INTELLIGENCE BEHIND THEM.  
KARKAT: AND I CANNOT FUCKING *BELIEVE* I’M SAYING THAT ABOUT SWEET BRO AND HELLA MOTHERFUCKING JEFF BUT YOU’VE DRIVEN ME TO IT DAVE, OK?  
KARKAT: NOT BECAUSE I JUST WANT YOU TO FEEL BETTER, BUT BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!  
KARKAT: I’VE NEVER TOLD YOU THAT BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE SOONER DIED THAN SAY IT OUT LOUD, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T MEAN IT, OK?  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: OH AND YOUR MUSIC! THAT’S A DIFFERENT STORY!  
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY LIKE SOME OF THAT!  
DAVE: oh wow  
KARKAT: MOST OF IT!  
KARKAT: I LIKE MOST OF IT!  
KARKAT: AND YOU KNOW WHAT, EVEN THE SHIT I DON’T LIKE, I LIKE WHEN YOU SHARE IT WITH ME!  
KARKAT: AND WHEN YOU ASK ME FOR MY INPUT!  
KARKAT: NO MATTER WHAT I THINK, I CAN TELL THAT YOU WORK REALLY FUCKING HARD ON IT, AND IT’S GREAT TO SEE HOW EXCITED YOU GET ABOUT IT!  
KARKAT: I MEAN YOU DON’T REALLY GET *EXCITED.*  
KARKAT: BUT YOU DO HAVE THIS WAY OF GETTING EXTRA *NOT* EXCITED, IF THAT MAKES SENSE.  
KARKAT: LIKE YOUR FACE GOES COMPLETELY IMMOBILE AND YOUR BODY GETS EXTRA MEASURED IN ITS MOVEMENTS IN A WAY THAT SO CLEARLY MEANS YOU’RE TRYING REALLY HARD TO *NOT* SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED.  
KARKAT: BUT FUCK YOU, I CAN TELL, ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: I CAN TELL THAT YOU’RE REALLY CREATIVE, AND THAT YOU’RE PROUD OF IT, AND THAT’S AWESOME, SO YOU CAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
KARKAT: ...WAIT, THAT GOT KINDA MEAN AT THE END.  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
KARKAT: WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS YOU’RE ACTUALLY REALLY INCREDIBLY INTERESTING, DAVE!  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
KARKAT: OF FUCKING COURSE YOU ARE!  
KARKAT: IT DIDN’T EVEN OCCUR TO ME THAT THAT WOULD GET TO YOU!  
KARKAT: I MEAN IF YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT BASIC, TAKE A LOOK AT ME!  
KARKAT: I LOVE *ROMANTIC COMEDIES,* DAVE!  
KARKAT: THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF BASIC! I’M BASIC AS SHIT!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN I AM!  
DAVE: dude no  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: fuck you you cant just start bringing yourself down and expect me to feel good about myself in comparison  
DAVE: nice try i know self deprecation is your wheelhouse and all  
DAVE: but thats not how that works  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT?  
DAVE: no its not dude god damn  
DAVE: first off obviously youre not actually basic at all  
DAVE: youre super cool in your own right  
DAVE: so im not actually gonna take any of the shit you say to heart  
DAVE: and second youre just tryna trick me into saying nice shit about you and i am NOT in the fucking mood  
DAVE: ...even tho i guess i just did  
DAVE: and i also gave you tips about how to cheer somebody up  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: ok you can have that one on the house but thats fuckin IT im done  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: WELL I’M SORRY DAVE BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO FUCKING TELL YOU.  
KARKAT: I MEAN I GUESS THE PROBLEM THAT LAUNCHED THIS WHOLE SHITSHOW WAS ME HANGING OUT WITH THE MAYOR WITHOUT YOU?  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY DAVE.  
KARKAT: I-  
KARKAT: I *SERIOUSLY* DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS A PROBLEM.  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: its not  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: there is no reason for that to be a “problem”  
DAVE: im not jealous or anything  
DAVE: im just being a jackass  
KARKAT: ...WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BE JEALOUS?  
DAVE: im NOT jesus christ  
DAVE: i just said that im not  
DAVE: so for you to just immediately respond like i said i am is pretty fucking weird karkat  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: im sorry ok  
DAVE: i was in a bad fucking mood to start with  
KARKAT: WERE YOU?  
DAVE: yeah i think i fucking was  
DAVE: and thats why i overreacted for no reason  
DAVE: but im fine now  
DAVE: this isnt your fault i shouldnt be just making you list nice things about me  
DAVE: like holy fuck that is so uncool and weird what the fuck is that about  
DAVE: so dont worry about it ok  
DAVE: im just gonna  
DAVE: im just gonna go  
KARKAT: WHAT? NO!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: karkat what the fuck is this  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.  
DAVE: why the fuck are you holding my hand  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW!  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY!  
KARKAT: I RAN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY AND I PANICKED.  
DAVE: and this is what you do when you panic  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY!  
DAVE: haha jesus christ  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY!  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: I’LL STOP.  
DAVE: no just  
DAVE: please explain to me  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: what does this mean exactly?  
DAVE: you doing this  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW!  
DAVE: you dont know  
DAVE: this means literally nothing  
DAVE: like you could just as easily have spit in my eye or fuckin riverdanced?  
DAVE: all those options had exactly identical percentages of likelihood  
KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT, NO!  
DAVE: well then what the fuck are you doing man  
KARKAT: I GUESS I JUST...  
KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING HOLD HANDS WITH THE MAYOR, OK??  
DAVE: you dont fucking hold hands with me either!  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, DAVE.  
KARKAT: THE EVIDENCE BEFORE US SEEMS TO FUCKING SUGGEST OTHERWISE!  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: haha  
DAVE: HAHAHAHAHA  
DAVE: ohhhhh my fucking god  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: hahahhahahaa  
DAVE: haha oh fuck!  
KARKAT: !!!  
DAVE: jeeeeeesuuuus  
KARKAT: DAVE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  
KARKAT: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS.  
DAVE: fuuuck  
DAVE: me neither  
DAVE: hahaha man you really fucking shot the moon with that move  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah im not bummed out anymore i guess  
DAVE: so thats a bonus  
DAVE: great fucking job karkat a+  
KARKAT: ...OK  
DAVE: hahaha fffuuuuuuuccckkkk me  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE OK, DAVE?  
DAVE: yeppp  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: got a lotta things goin on in my head is all  
KARKAT: DO YOU...  
KARKAT: WANNA TELL ME ABOUT THEM?  
DAVE: noooooope  
DAVE: no i do not  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: sorry  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S FINE!  
KARKAT: UM.  
KARKAT: DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP HOLDING YOUR HAND?  
DAVE: sigh  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: OK.  
DAVE: sorry  
KARKAT: NO, IT’S FINE! IT WAS STUPID.  
DAVE: shut up karkat it wasnt stupid ok  
DAVE: jesus  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: i think im probably all hand held out for the time being  
DAVE: like i have far surpassed the days quota  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: in the future it maybe couldnt necessarily be a totally quota filled event possibly  
KARKAT: DAVE, I’M NOT SURE IT’S ACTUALLY POSSIBLE TO PARSE THAT SENTENCE.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: um  
KARKAT: I THINK I MIGHT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, THOUGH.  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: im fucking glad one of us does  
KARKAT: HA.  
DAVE: thanks  
KARKAT: FOR WHAT?  
DAVE: man i dont know  
DAVE: cheering me up i guess  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YOU’RE WELCOME, DAVE.  



End file.
